I have started to write this post several times, but haven't been able to convince myself to finish it until today.
My original plan was to wait until the day that I find out I am pregnant to publish this, but God has other plans and has been working in my heart to write this now. Over the last year my perspective has been changed, my entire outlook on life has changed actually and that is what I am hoping to share with this blog. I finally feel like I have a story to tell. A story that seems to currently lack an ending, but a story with an ending that was written from the beginning of time.
For those of you who don't know, Shaun and I have been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year now. It was a big decision for us, but we knew in our hearts that God had given us a desire to be parents so that we could raise our children to glorify our Lord...so with a little bit of fear and a whole lot of faith, (or maybe it was the other way around) we committed to each other and to the Lord that starting a family was the path we were going to take. That is the beginning of our story.
Looking back on that time in our lives just a little over a year ago, had I known the events we would face walking down this path I would have probably ran away. Far, far away. But God had different plans. For us, the journey to getting pregnant and starting a family consisted of a lot more than carrying a baby for nine months. That part of the journey in our lives has yet to come, but we anxiously await that day!
At the present, we are still pursuing God's will for our lives. We still believe 110% that this is His plan for us. He has just taken us down a different path to lead us to our final destination. It is on that path that we have learned and grown more than I ever thought possible. It is on this journey that I have learned to hold fast to the faith I have in my Savior because He is faithful.
Looking back over the last year, here are the basic facts.
Problem #1 is that I have a thyroid problem. It took my family doctor, as well as one specialist almost 3 months to discover this problem and then another 3 months to get the medicine straightened out.
Problem #2 is that I have "unofficially" officially been diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) which means that without a certain prescription and blood work procedure there is a very small chance that I will become pregnant. It took two doctors an additional 2 months to figure this out. The good news is that this is a very common problem and is very easily treated.
Problem #3 is that I need to be assigned to a specialist in Reproductive Medicine. There are none in Lake County, the closest one we have found is an hour and a half away from our home. With that said, after 3 months of my family doctor sending paperwork they have yet to schedule me an appointment. Just last week they re-faxed everything over and promised me I would have an appointment within two weeks (here's to hoping)!
The weeks and months accounted for in these "problems" have been extremely difficult. For one, we never expected to have any trouble getting pregnant. For two, well, we just really never expected anything like this.
But God did.
He knew from the beginning of time every trial and hardship we would face in life. He knew every smile we would smile and every tear we would cry. Not only did He know it, He is in control of it, too! He knew every step Shaun and I would have to take along this journey AND He promised He would equip us and NEVER leave us or forsake us. That's a pretty awesome God and a pretty awesome promise!
But...
When it came down to living with this knowledge and this fear of wondering when and if ever we would finally conceive, this promise (seriously for the first time in my life) wasn't looking so promising. I was confused. Hurt. Hopeless. Angry. Restless. Fearful. Lost. For a while the only thing I could focus on in life was why God wasn't answering my prayers. We knew this is His will (and still believe that) but I could not get it through my mind that He would call us to take a leap of faith only to have us wait.
And wait.
And wait.
I can honestly say I have never felt more afraid, hurt, fearful, etc in my life than I have felt over these last months. If it wasn't for the love of my husband and my incredible family and friends encouraging me and loving me enough to not bring up the subject constantly, I don't know how I would have survived these last few months with a smile on my face.
Hence, lesson number one. God is still in control. He is still working. He loves me enough to bring the right people into my life at the right moments just to remind me of His presence and His sovereignty in my life. One of the women of God I get to see at school from time to time mentioned this statement to me once and it has stuck with me over the last few months. She said that if I didn't get pregnant at the exact moment that God ordained then I wouldn't have the exact children He wanted me to have. To think that God has this all planned out from the smallest details was just incredible to me and such a great reminder of His presence! That is just one of the examples of God opening my eyes to see the evidence of His work in my life. I seriously can't wait to meet the little blessing or blessings He has in store for Shaun and I and I can't imagine that there will be many greater feelings in the world than the feeling of loving the children that God is going to bless us with!
...which brings me to lesson two! Faith! I have to admit, over my 16 years of following Christ, I haven't experienced many opportunities for which my faith has wavered. I was blessed beyond belief to be raised by Godly parents and to be part of a youth group, church, circle of friends, etc. where I was constantly challenged to live for the Lord. Looking back now I see that my upbringing was preparation for the "real world" and that I needed every ounce of faith I learned to have in my sweet Savior! However, up to this point in life I have lived with faith that God was in control and never had given much thought to the idea of doubt. The longer we tried to get pregnant and the longer we waited, the more I learned about this little thing called doubt and the destruction it can cause in your life! After many sleepless nights, many pleading sessions with God, crying myself to sleep, listening to my husband plead with God and some more tears I have finally grasped the concept (in part) of faith. Shaun and I know in our hearts because of confirmation from the Lord that He has called us to serve Him as parents. We believe in our hearts that He is going to open that door in His timing. Faith is what happens in between those last two statements. It is what keeps us going and trusting while we wait. It is our hope and our strength on days where we see no light at the end of the tunnel. My faith, along with (and inspired by) the faith of my husband is what brings me to this point. It is what has given me the courage and the ability to write this blog, praising my Savior WHILE I wait, and not having to wait to see my prayers answered to acknowledge the work of God in my life.
I am learning to thrive on faith. I can confidently praise Jesus now for the prayers He has not answered and for the journey that seems to never end. I can sing praises to His name because of His faithfulness even though we haven't received the news we are hoping and praying for. Shaun and I know, above all else, that we serve a God who is alive and active, working in our lives to bring about His purpose. I have claimed many verses as "life verses" over the last few months and here is the first of a few I would like to share.
Matthew 6:33
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."
Talk about a great perspective reminder! How selfish I have been in praying for God to expedite His plan for MY life. Instead, I have realized that it is HIS plan I should be praying for and that His will would be accomplished in my life. I just want Him to use me to make a difference, whatever the cost. If that means that I have to suffer for a year and a half without being able to get pregnant so I can share a story of hope with someone else, so be it. I have learned to trust that wherever my Jesus is, that is right where I want to be, no matter the cost! It is because I have faith in His promise, in the calling He has placed in my life, that I can live in reckless abandonment to Him and not have to consider those things that weigh me down. In His time, He will be faithful and will grant us the desires of our hearts that have been ordained in His will, all so that we can give the glory back to Him! How cool is that?!
Here are a few other verses that have meant a lot to me lately:
Psalm 27:14
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
I think the value and implication of that one is pretty self-explanatory! :)
Matthew 5:3 MSG
"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule."
Just another reminder of the selflessness we are called to portray in our lives. My prayer from this verse is that there would be so little of "me" in me, that others could look at me and see the evidence of Christ at work in my life.
Another Beatitude that I love:
Matthew 5:5 MSG
"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are --no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
This verse spoke to me about contentment. True contentment comes only from Jesus and if I am truly seeking His will then I will find contentment. I don't have to constantly be longing for the desires of my heart to be filled because, in the end, He is all I will ever need!
In attempt to wrap this up before I get any more long-winded, I would like to leave you with these final thoughts of encouragement.
No matter what you are going through in life, no matter how difficult things may seem, Jesus is there. He is alive and working in your life. He is waiting to help equip you to be everything He has called you to be! Perhaps the best news of all is that His love is all that you will ever need. He knows that none of us are ever going to be "good enough." He knows that we are all going to fail. He knows that we are never going to "get it right" all the time, BUT He loves us anyway. He loved us enough to die for us before we breathed our first breath on this earth.
He loves us as we are, but He loves us enough to not leave us that way.
My encouragement to whoever is reading this is to find your identity in Christ. Seek His perspective. Whether your problem is infertility, illness or any other thing in life that has made you unhappy or feeling unloved, turn to Jesus. He is waiting with open arms to fill your heart with gladness and give you a reason to sing again!
I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to share my story or who's eyes will even read it, but I am praying that God will use this to encourage you in some way!
May Jesus be the center of our existence and may He be glorified in our everyday experiences! He truly deserves all the praise!
From my heart to yours...
Kristy
